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I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, so when the pain got to be too much, I didn’t care where I went when I died, as long as it was out of this body and mind. I was never filled with high religiosity growing up, so I didn’t have a fear of hell. I just worried about the ripple effect that would devastate my family and friends. I suppose it might or might not have helped that I believed wherever I go would be beautiful and peaceful – so unlike the current world in which I felt trapped.
I don’t know about you, but when I talked about my suicidal ideations with a deeply religious person, I felt worse than ever. They would say, “Thou shalt not kill. You know, the Sixth Commandment? If you break a Commandment it’s a sin, and sinners go to hell.” I’d say, “I’m not killing anyone besides myself. Does the bible say anything about suicide?” The “friend” would then get flustered and say something like, “Well, God wants you to live”.
I’d think, God wants me to live? Feeling this way? Feeling this way for so long? I’m 40 years-old and I finally started feeling good just a short while ago. When I was suicidal, though, I did not think God wanted me to live. Despite my religious friend’s well-meaning spew, I did come to believe that God cared about me. But first I had to find God – the real one – the one that doesn’t come with religion. Years ago, I read a book that helped me understand what might be going on in that “other side” we all wonder about. This is the link: The Other Side and Back. Another book that helped me through my 30+ year suicidal trip was Life After Life. It is written by a man who interviewed people that had died and come back. It’s pretty unarguable. I have to warn you that these books make death look excellent. In my opinion, it probably is. The point is to have an explanation of what you are up against if you decide to kill yourself. I don’t know why finding out death is a good place helped me to not to kill my own self.
I’ve posted this next book in one of my entries before, but it’s so good, it deserves another one. I was very skeptical of this one, but my Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor urged me to read it and I trust her completely. Once I got past the old-fashionedness of the wording, I started understanding the basis of Christianity (not at all what Christianity looks like today) and all religions for that matter. Here is a link to that book: Sermon on the Mount. I know it’s all Jesus-like, but don’t let that stop you if you are not a Christian. This is an informational treatise on how to live. Maybe if it was about Buddha, it wouldn’t have been so hard for me to initially pick it up. However, if it had, I would have gleaned the exact same information.
So, where do we go when we die? That information is pretty much totally up to you. You can read about it, meditate on it, whatever. No one knows for sure what we have in store, so use your imagination. After doing my research (books and experience), I’ve decided that if you are alive, you have work to do that you don’t even know about. “God” does want you to live, but you have to be patient and you have to ask for guidance from whatever higher power you have. Please look at me: I was suicidal for 30 years and now I am not. It can happen to you too. Maybe don’t worry so much about what it’s like after death. Maybe just pause and drink some tea or talk to your best friend. There are still things about this life you love. Or you wouldn’t still be here.
If you are in crisis, click here.