If you are in crisis, click here.
I was having lunch with a counselor friend of mine who is quite old school the other day. She speaks her mind, and we were discussing suicide because of the suicide prevention necklaces I make. She said, “I don’t know why anyone would want to murder themselves”. I was taken aback, because I had never heard it put that way. I thought about it: is it really murder when it’s against you? Does it really matter what you call it as long as someone precious is dead?
I replied, “The reason someone would want to self-murder is because I’m 40 years-old and it took me up to last year to start feeling okay. For 25 years I had to include a team of medical experts in my recovery as well as self-help groups and a lot of counseling. For 25 years I felt that nothing was changing – I wasn’t feeling any better. When I was a little girl, I was happy, but I hadn’t felt that way in close to 35 years. I felt completely hopeless. Finally, my psychiatrist landed on a solution which was right for me. I still don’t feel happy very often, but I finally get to know peace. In those years that I was uncomfortable and crawling in my skin, I just wanted it to end. I just wanted to feel good for once. That alone was a good reason to ‘murder’.”
To my surprise, this salty old lady nodded her head and didn’t argue further. I don’t know if it was justified, but I did an internal victory dance. When you can convince someone that self-murder can at least feel justified, it feels good. It’s a validation of sorts. Committing the act and thinking about or even wanting to kill your self are two very different things. I think the more we talk about the wanting and the thinking about, the better able we are to climb from the black pit of depression that holds us so tightly.
I know you are struggling. I know this is the hardest thing you’ve had to go through. I just have to ask that you hold on a little longer and consult as many experts as you can. If you are in crisis, call the number in the link at the beginning of this page. If you feel that you could talk to a friend, please call someone. But don’t call someone who will judge you or give you religious garbage. Find someone who will just listen and love you for who you are. For after all, you are very loveable.