If you are thinking about suicide and have a plan, please call (800) 273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
I have found that there is always a reason for suicidal thoughts. Clinical depression, as we all know, is a huge culprit. Depression has often been described as “anger turned inward” and I think there is validation for that. The reason I say this is because it reminds me of a time when I was writing in my journal at the behest of my Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor. I was so angry and uncomfortable in my body at that time (this was about two years ago). I had been angry and uncomfortable for so long it was getting ridiculous. Let me see if I can find the actual journal so I can make you laugh and cry with the things I was saying…
Excerpts from Erin’s Journal 2013:
“This has gotten very hard for me to do because it evokes all of the worst feelings I have.”
“God, it’s just that it’s been so long with so many times I thought it was over, and it never was. Are you giving me polio of the mind – crippling me for the rest of my life?”
“Well, you’re God, so you know how much of a mess I’m in right now. You know it’s not comfortable in my skin…”
“Fuck those bitches. I resent cancer survivors. They get all the love that they need. And parades.”
“I always start thinking about killing myself when I write.”
(Me, Mimicking the General Population): “Oh, I can’t believe Obama is making us choose from affordable health options”. (Me): “Those people have no idea what it is like to need healthcare and not be able to get it”.
“I hate you, God. I hate you so much. How can you let me feel this way? How can you let it be okay for me to suffer?”
The anger I felt at God and cancer victims may have been justified. God works in “mysterious ways” and cancer patients get love and care from their families. Those of us who suffer from suicidal ideations are often considered burdens to our families. Perhaps the worst thing is not knowing if the black, icky, depression will ever end.
One day I was writing this angry stuff in the morning and just feeling like shit. Later, I was sitting in the busy veterinarian’s office, trying to take care of my beloved pets, when I burst into tears. I literally could not stop thinking about suicide. I was ready to leave this earth, but I couldn’t imagine leaving my husband, my father, my dogs, and my good friends. I realized that I would have to think about something else, no matter how hard it was for me. This only came off halfway, but it helped.
To do also:
- See your doctor and be very, very honest about what is going on with you.
- Talk to a friend or family member – they will be able to help if you are honest.
- Take it easy. Take a nap or a break from work.
- Tell yourself you love you. It may not seem like it now, but you do.
- Call the suicide hotline listed at the beginning of this blog.
A very close friend gave me some spiritual literature around that time. I know, hold up, most people who experience suicidal ideations are really not that interested in reading, thinking, or otherwise having anything to do with God. That’s okay. God can be anything. But mostly, a spiritual workout every day will quell the disturbing thoughts. Here are some books that have helped me.
There are so many books that can help, but I understand that reading may not be your thing. No matter. There are lots of ways to alleviate the feelings of suicide. I highly recommend joining a therapy group, getting a counselor, or opening up to a stranger.
Thoughts of suicide during depression are scary and hard to tease out. It may seem like no one understands, but I do. And I’ll keep writing this blog for you until I can’t do it anymore, because I am passionate about the cause of suicide. Visit my Etsy page sometime so you can see if wearing a handmade pendant for the cause would be a comfort for you. It’s less painful than a semicolon tattoo!
Your thoughts may be on suicide, but mine are on you.